Rules  By Deputy Chief Sir Gerald
by Sivalai
Summary: Jack be chipper. Jack be quick. Jack just read Gerald's rules, and jumped over the tiger-shark.  Written in 2005.


**Rules**

by Deputy Chief Sir Gerald

For all you scum, otherwise known as warriors, in Theater Vancoor!

Here are some rules to live by.

Obey them with your life.

They're pretty simple, really.

First, Chief Elwen is a god!

Treat her better than your mom, respect her more than your dad.

If she tells you to die, do it with a smile on your face!

If she points to crap and calls it pretty...

...you smile and call it beautiful.

Second, always obey orders from those of higher rank.

Regardless of age, an order is an order!

Don't talk back.

Whatever the order, reply "Yes, sir!" with a huge smile on your face.

Third, never let the other guilds underestimate you.

Our guild doesn't need those that can be beaten by members of other guilds.

Also, make sure the members of the Void Community know you're better than them.

Theater Vancoor is filled with the best warriors of Radiata!

Don't disappoint me or make me look like an ass!

That's it.

Those are the rules to live by at Theater Vancoor.

Anyone who can't remember this, I'll pound it into their head.

(actual bulletin in game)

**Rules by Deputy Chief Sir Gerald**

_A Whimsical Production_

It is a peaceful morning at Theater Vancoor. Carlos has found his contact lens again, Rolec is smiling confidently, and Gene is actually speaking. Even Thanos seems a bit brighter.

All is thanks to Jack Russell.

The door opens and Jack enters.

Carlos: Hey! How's Carlos's little buddy?

Jack: Alright I guess. ...I bit bored maybe... I wanna fight my orcs!

Gene: ...I thought you had already fought orcs?

Jack pauses, trying to remember.

Jack: Oh, yeah! Those blood orcs that nearly killed Ridley!

Thanos: Who the heck is this Ridley guy?

Jack: Uh, Ridley's a girl.

Thanos mutters something incomprehensible and starts writing in his secret diary.

Gene: What kind of guy keeps a diary?

Thanos: Diary? What diary?

Jack: The one you're writing in.

Thanos looks down at the open book.

Thanos: This ain't a diary!

Carlos: Sure, and you're not a receptionist.

Thanos: Do you want to keep workin' here?

Thanos's threat is absorbed quickly, and the subject is changed.

Jack: Okay then, so no orcs...

Carlos and Gene continue to play poker.

Jack: Hey, can I play?

Carlos: Nope, sorry.

Gene: You're too young to gamble.

Jack: Shoot.

Jack sighs and looks around the lobby. A large poster catches his eye.

Jack: What's this?

Rolec: That's the Theater Vancoor rules. You never saw it before?

Jack: Nope.

Thus said, Jack began to read.

On the fourth floor of Theater Vancoor is an office.

And in that office is a woman.

A very-old-yet-hasn't-aged-a-day-since-she-was-thirty woman.

This woman was El, now known as Elwen.

She wears big gold armor and carries a tiny glowing sword.

She is Rule #1.

As is custom, Elwen begins her trip into the sewer beneath Theater Vancoor.

Unknown to her, she is being followed.

Jack: Hehehe...

She is aware now.

Elwen: I want to be alone.

Jack says nothing and pretends that he is not behaving like Solo.

Elwen: I see you clearly, Jack.

Jack still says nothing. However, when Elwen starts walking again, he follows.

A monster appears. Elwen points to it.

Elwen: Pretty poo monster.

Jack smiles and nods.

Jack: Beautiful!

Elwen: I see... You read Gerald's rules...

Jack: Yep! So I'm following you!

Elwen: They say to stalk me?

Jack: Yep! So I'm following you!

Elwen: ...I'll need to talk to Gerald after this...

After a long, poo-monster infested walk, they arrive at a grave.

Elwen: I promised my love to the man that rests here. Him and only him.

Jack: Wow. Poor Deputy Chief... He's gonna be heartbroken. Maybe he and Pops can start a club! Broken-Hearted Old Men!

Elwen: Jack, I'm trying to recall my past memories of happiness.

Jack: Oh, okay.

Jack starts kicking a nearby chair, looking for surprised items to leap out.

None come, so he moves toward the nearby coffin.

He kicks it.

He kicks it again.

And again.

And agai-

Elwen: Jack.

Jack: Yes?

Elwen: Go die.

Jack grins widely.

Jack: Yes ma'am!

Jack runs out and sees Lily.

He kicks her.

Aidan.

A child who out-tricks the Puck.

He once turned Genius into a duck.

He will soon be Rule #2.

Elwen walks into the Acht Squad's office, followed by Aidan.

Jack: Oh, hi!

Elwen sighs in disappointment as she sees Lily following Jack around like a love-sick puppy.

How was she supposed to know Jack would win the fight?

Glancing down at Aidan, Elwen chuckled.

Elwen: Jack, due to your recent behavior, I am demoting you from sergeant of the Acht Squad.

Jack falls out of his chair.

Jack: What!

Elwen: And to replace you...

Elwen pushes Aidan forward as Jack and Lily gape.

Jack: You can't be serious.

Elwen: I am. Remember the rules now.

Elwen leaves, smirking broadly under her helm.

Lily: Rules?

Aidan: Yeah! This is going to be fun! Jack! First, I order you to...

Aidan grins devilishly.

Aidan: Take on Claudia's newest version of Melissa, her super-golem!

Jack smiles and nods.

Jack: Yes, sir!

Jack runs out of the office.

He returns several hours later, covered in mystery goo.

Jack: Done, sir!

Lily: What is that stuff? It reeks.

Aidan: Good, good! Now, go steal Rynka's bandana from her head and bring it here!

Jack twitches, but smiles and nods.

Jack: Yes, sir!

Jack runs out again.

An hour later he returns, both eyes blacked.

Jack: Got it!

Aidan: Good! I can sell it back for a good profit. Now...

Jack winces.

Aidan: Go find Gabriel Celesta... and bring me back his outfit.

Jack: His... outfit? He... only wears that freaky diaper thing...

Jack's eyes widen in horror.

Jack: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Jack runs through the wall, death-wailing like a banshee as he disappears into the sunset.

After a minute Elwen appears in the doorway.

Elwen: Very good. I doubt he'll recover.

Boasting brings shame.

Pride will make you fall.

But don't tell the light elves this.

For they won't believe you at all.

They are not included in Rule #3

Jack enters Theater Vancoor.

Jack: Hello! I'm back!

Elwen, who was trying to find where Gerald said to stalk her in his rules, grimaced.

Jack was worse than a cockroach.

Elwen: So I see... I suppose you wish to regain command of the Acht Squad?

Jack: Yep.

Elwen paused as she read the giant poster once more.

Elwen: Very well... you must beat Nyx in a battle. A very special battle.

Jack: No prob! Just tell me what to do!

Elwen snickers.

Elwen: You must have a battle of brains. If you can best him mentally, then you will be worthy.

Jack: Hah! Chief, I thought this was going to be hard! Just wait here, I'll be right back!

Jack runs off at super speed.

Within minutes he is in front of Nyx, who is, as always, floating eerily.

Jack: I challenge you to a battle of brains!

Nyx snorts at Jack's seemingly stupid request.

Nyx: Human, normally I would have killed you by now, but since I only get two visitors a day, I shall accept your challenge.

Jack: Great! You can start.

Nyx: Very well... What is the worst enemy of any man?

Jack frowned, which made Nyx smirk.

Jack: Uh... A cute girl?

Nyx's shoulders sagged.

Nyx: Yes... That is correct... A pretty face can make the most fearsome warrior turn into a bumbling coward. Now it is your turn.

Jack: Okay... Uh... Why didn't Radian get squished when he crossed the road?

Nyx frowned.

Nyx: ...I do... not know.

Jack: He's flat! Way flat! So he dodged all the traffic!

Nyx's float stability wavered.

Nyx: That was not a true riddle!

Jack: Did we ever agree on riddles? I thought it was just who could outsmart the other...

Nyx nearly fell.

Nyx: Fine! But I shall not fall victim another time. Now... What did Chatt the dark elf say to the playwright?

Jack grinned.

Jack: That's easy! He said "Hey, I'm Chatt. Care to chat?"

Nyx landed on the floor in a heap.

Nyx: Argh! You stupid fool! How are you guessing these correctly!

Jack just shrugs.

Jack: My turn! Let's see... Oh! Okay, what did Gil, the light elf, say to the playwright?

Nyx: Hmph! Had to copy me, did you? He said... er... "Humans are weak, time for the Gil-lotine."

Jack shakes his head.

Jack: Nope. He said "May I write a poem for your play?"

And thus the conversation quizzes continued, pitting the playwright into conversations with Clarence, Faraus, Nogueira, Gerald, Thanos, Caesar, half a dozen goblins, and Sonata.

There was even some man named Karsh named, but who he was no one knew.

Jack won them all.

By that time though, Nyx was crying like a baby.

Nyx: Fine! Fine! I lose, you win! What do you want? Money? Power? Control of Void? Whatever it is, say it and it's yours!

Jack grinned.

Jack: Nah, the Chief just said I needed you to admit in writing that I outsmarted you.

Nyx: Elwen put you up to this?

Jack: Yep. I can't get my position as sergeant back until I do.

An evil look entered Nyx's eyes.

Nyx: How about we both go tell her what happened? That way the lout can't say you forged my signature?

Jack: Oh, that's a good idea!

Jack ran out, followed closely by the hovering nonhuman, leaving Sonata in the secret room.

Sonata: Golden woman is in deep doo-doo.

Within minutes the duo was in the lobby of Theater Vancoor.

Gerald was examining his beloved rules, Thanos was sleeping, and the Chief was just coming up from the basement.

Jack: Hey, Chief! Told you I wouldn't take long!

The distinct sound of Elwen's jaw hitting her helmet was heard.

It was loud enough to wake Thanos up, who, once he saw the scene before him, grabbed his diary from the shelf and started writing.

Elwen: Curse Gerald and his rules...

A ripping sound met the ears of everyone, along with the slamming of the front door.

Jack turned to the wall where the rules once were hung, and upon seeing them gone, he walked over to Thanos.

Jack: Does this mean I don't have to smile and nod anymore?

Thanos: Yup.

Jack's happy face fell.

Jack: Good! My cheeks are killing me!

A sudden crash brought Jack's attention to the two guild leaders.

They had apparently decided to spar.

Jack: Oh well, I'm back to sergeant, so I'm going to bed. Night!

Thanos waved distractedly as he wrote the details of the Chief getting whooped into his diary.

It was good to have blackmail material.

It meant a pay raise.


End file.
